Murphy’s Laws of Motherhood
Motherhood comes with all sorts of ironies. Here are a few of ours we’ve experienced in the past couple weeks. And please, please share yours with me so I don’t feel so completely and utterly alone in these not-sure-whether-to-laugh-or-cry moments!
- The night you stay up later than you know you should will most certainly be followed by the earliest morning your children could possibly muster, putting all living roosters to shame.
- After a good fifteen minutes of playing perfectly calm and quiet together, you think to yourself, “Ok, they’re contained, I’ll make that incredibly important phone call now.” The second the receptionist comes on the line will be the very moment the amazing fifteen minutes ends and all chaos ensues, including (but not limited to) screaming, yelling, whining, pouting, breaking things, and all manner of loudness and neediness.
- The day you plan to do deep cleaning will be the day your child decides to pull out all of his/her toys and dump them on the floor the one second you leave them alone in their room.
- If you need them to take a nap at 11:30, they will decide to take one at 8am.
- The rare need to really scold your child will be the exact moment your neighbor surprises you with a knock on the door (and, of course, the door will be open leaving your reprimand completely exposed for her to see).
- With all the papers scattered across the counter, your child will choose the only extremely important one to scribble on.
- If you buy your child a nice pair of shoes, he/she will go through a massive growth spurt a day later, and the shoes will no longer fit.
- Not two minutes after you get your child one of those free balloons at the grocery store to keep them quiet and entertained for your trip, it will pop (or float to the ceiling), leaving your child in a pathetic heap of blubbering mess at the bottom of the cart for the entire frozen foods section and checkout. All onlookers will undoubtedly look at you like you are the worst parent on the face of the planet.
- The first time ever forgetting to pack extra clothes in the diaper bag will be the first explosive diaper your child has experienced in a year. You will also be somewhere you cannot leave immediately and you will be miles and miles from home and the closest store.
- If you need to use the bathroom, they WILL come.
- If you spend hours fixing a delicious meal, your child will ask for hot dogs and macaroni. Or after refusing to try a single bite, will eat the play dough they were given to play with after dinner.
- If your child finds a worm, it will eventually end up in their mouth. Or a grasshopper, or a handful of mud, or sand, or any manner of luckiness.
Just in case you’re feeling completely and utterly discouraged after reading these facts, stay tuned for…
The Lesser Known Reasons You Should Have Children
Coming soon! (because I’m really not that big of a pessimist, I promise!)